Various Myths and Legends as told by a Snake on the Sun
by Culebra del Sol
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin.
1. Indian Space Chicks hate Castlevanians

Since I have a major case of writer's block that prevents me from writing the story I want to at this moment, and my desire to actually stay _relevant_ in this site, I decided to do something different: Take various myths and legends and spruce them up for lulz.

This was inspired by a thread on a forum I frequent, where the person that started it bastardized the Greek Myths into shit worthy of George Carlin.

* * *

Let us begin the madness.

* * *

So, there were once five gorgeous women living in the sky above pre-European _Americuh_. They were having a swell time, living with clouds, taunting the girl eagles and their chrome-domes and getting into various shenanigans involving eachother's beds.

The first girl is Moki, who was apparently a robin that managed to avoid being eaten by the eagles she taunted at some point and is the sister of the New World prank-master, Coyote. Despite being related to a dog, she was still so beautiful that some slime-ball named Salamandar decided to try and force a marriage with her. Seeing as how she actually has standards, Moki was understandably disgusted at the thought of having to have nooky with a snot-lizard. Taking after her sibling, Moki fooled her would-be husband to take a bath in a hot sprin, and since this was the slimy lizard and not the fire-god of Europe, the sucker got boiled like a lobster.

Next is Kipi. Little Kipi managed to worm her way into the clique by cutting off Coyote's tongue like a psycho-girlfriend and cook it.  
Let me repeat that.  
Kipi decided to cut off Moki's brother's _tongue_. And _cook_ it. For _**consumption.**_  
Granted Coyote is a prick, but still, slicing off the tongue of your friend's brother and using it for _Iron Chef_ does not endear you to your peers nowadays.

The third member of our celestial clique is Tewe. Tewe is a MILF with muscles, who gave birth to the Rabbit Huntress, a chick that was said to be as strong as her mother.  
Now, normally one doesn't associate the word _rabbit_ with _strong,_ so I'm going to assume that she got the name and reputation for managing to hunt and kill rabbits like the one in _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ on a regular basis.

Fourth is Pahalali. Lali's distinction is being the daughter of the Frog-Maid. No, her mother isn't a french dish dressed in their frilly outfits. This frog is a badass. Y'see, there's this giant lizard in the sky with a hankerin' for cheese that keeps trying to eat the moon. This wouldn't be a problem, if we didn't need the damn thing to see in the dark. Every month, when the cheese-ball is almost swallowed, our fair frog dashes forth with a whole bunch of pointy shit to get the lizard to puke the moon back up, thus making it easier for bats to fly in our hair.  
But this story isn't about her. It's about her daughter and friends.

Finally, we have Tukwishemish. She's the leader of our merry band of maids and has one of the most silliest name this side of the Atlantic. There's not much about Tuk-Tuk, other than that she was the prettiest and makes Ulquiorra look like Pinkie-Pie.

One day, while waiting for Dracula to reform his undead ass, A Fleaman got lost and stumbled upon the five Starmaids. Seeing as how Dracula is a greedy dick but can't see what isn't in his castle, the bug-boy decides to try and nab the five for his own little harem.

This does not go over well with the five girls, however, and they decided to run the fuck away.

Unfortunately, as Naked Alucard can attest to, fleamen are notorious little shits. The bugger had a libido and chased the girls for a long, long time. Even when they managed to leave him behind when he faints, the girls still get found by the horny flea. Even diving into the sea doesn't shake the pervert.  
Eventually, Tuk-Tuk decided that enough is enough and turned around. She stated loud-and-clear that if the horndog got any closer, he'd be eating his own dick on a plate. This gets the message through the Fleaman's skull, and he stops chasing them. But it fails to get his soldier to stand down.  
Instead, he decided to invest in a pair of binoculars and live the rest of his days as a voyeur, forever haunting the five as a pervert ghost.

They say you can see the five maidens huddled together in the night sky as stars, dancing the horizontal tango while the lone Fleaman stands by, forever tugging his tallywhacker to hot celestial lesbians.

Moral of the story: Porn was hard to come by without the internet.


	2. Makoma's Big Balls: Part 1

Way down by the river Zambesi, there was a village called Senna. In that village, a baby was born.  
This was no ordinary baby. Oh no. This baby was special.

Everybody could tell this boy was different. For one, he was bigger and stronger than many men older than him. He carried a giant sack and an iron hammer. Nobody dared to question why.

For you see, this boy had _big balls._

One day, the boy decided to prove how big his balls were. He decided to have his mother call all of the tough guys in the village to gather by the nearby pool. Which was full of crocodiles. The boy then proceeded to dare the men to jump in and wrestle the crocs.

Predictably, nobody took him up on it.

Seeing this, the boy jumped in and wrestled them himself.  
Afterwards, the boy declared his name to be _Makoma,_ declared the name to mean "Greater", and no one dared to question him.

Because he just wrestled fucking Crocodiles to death.

* * *

Because no one in Senna could ever hope of rivaling him, Makoma grabbed his sack and hammer, Nu'endo, and set upon the world. One day, he stumbled upon a giant in a hilly country. No seven-foot giant, mind you. A seven-_story_ giant. Making mountains.

Seeing this, Makoma finally saw a worthy challenge. Surely a giant that can make _mountains_ could have a pair as big as his. He called out to the giant, who called himself Chi-eswa-mapiri, and promptly challenged him to a fight.

Unfortunately, Chi-eswa politely declined this challenge. In his eyes, he saw no point in squabbling with somebody he could crush by _farting._ Pissed off by being brushed off, Makoma proceeded to trash talk the giant, calling into question his ability to please a woman among other things. This succeeded in pissing off Chi-eswa, who rushed him like a bull seeing a red cape. Makoma wasn't scared, though. He simply smacked the giant in the head with his hammer. With a blow so strong he shrunk the giant into a midget the size of a baby.

Humbled by the superior pair of big balls, Chi-eswa pleaded to be taken along as a slave. Seeing no problem with this, Makoma grabbed the former giant and dropped him in his sack. Makoma then went all Megaman and gained the strength to make mountains of his own.

Soon the conqueror and former giant went off to find new foes and adventures. For the man with the biggest pair of balls could not rest until he finds his match.


	3. Makoma's Big Balls: Part 2

When we last left Makoma, he had just proven that his balls were bigger then a giant's, reducing said giant to the size of a doll and gaining his power to make mountains.  
Essentially, he just became Megaman before Megaman existed.

And even though he managed to conquer a mountain-making giant, Makoma still wasn't satisfied. While a normal man would be trying to bury himself in poontang to celebrate the culmination of their lives, Makoma felt no such thing. Surely there must be someone out there with balls bigger than that?

Fortunately, Makoma and Chi-Eswa soon stumbled upon another giant. This one, Chi-Dubula-Taka, decided to spend his days digging through the earth like a dog, which conveniently left new riverbeds for the gods to pee in. Makoma attempted to greet and challenge the giant the same way he did Chi-Eswa, and again he was blown off as a bothersome trifle. This time Makoma questioned the identity of Chi-Dubula's mother's species, which served to infuriate him enough to fall for the same damn trick Chi-Eswa did. And like Chi-Eswa, he shrunk down to the size of an old lady and begged to be taken as a slave.  
Makoma figured [I]Why the Hell not?[/I] and agreed.

With two pokemon/robot masters under his belt, Makoma proceeded to wander the lands yet again until he found the father of all elephants.  
Well, really it was a very big giant named Chi-Gwisa-Miti that was planting trees for the elephants he called children.  
Still, he considered himself a father to elephants, so it still applies.

Makoma politely asked again for the third time for a match to prove who's the bigger man. And lo and behold, the third time proved to be the charm, for Chi-Gwisa agreed immediately. And he proved to actually be somewhat of a threat, as he picked up a tree as big as he was and swung it like a club.  
Not quite to the scale of Zeus catching and throwing a mountain, though, because for one: the tree didn't dwarf Chi-Gwisa; and two: he missed.  
Badly.

With a third giant conquered and enslaved, Makoma soon arrived upon a barren, molten wasteland that would later serve as the final battleground between Chris Redfield and Albert Wesker. Lounging around this hellhole was a man. Not a giant, but a man the size of Makoma's leg.  
Eating fire.  
Who claimed to be the cause of this barren wasteland.

Makoma was elated. Anybody who'd be wiling to eat fire like cotton candy [I]had[/I] to have balls as big as his own!

And despite not being a giant, Chi-Idea-Moto proved to be a bigger challenge then the three giants combine. For not only could he eat fire, but throw it like mud as well. Makoma couldn't get close enough to whack him in the head without becoming a char-broiled Montanan Oyster.  
Knowing this, he did the next best thing.  
He chucked Nu'endo at Chi-Idea.  
And he didn't miss.

And so Makoma became the pokemon champion of Africa.


	4. Makoma's Big Balls: Part 3

Makoma had just achieved the title of Africa's pokemon champion, having captured the Four Legendary Spirits. At this point, Makoma decided to settle his ass down. He came upon a plain with a whole bunch of water and cute, tasty animals. Setting down his sack, he told his conquered slaves that they're gonna go build a house here.

Everyone cheered at this, happy that they no longer had to sleep inside a small sack. Understandable when everyone rolls around so much that Makoma finds them with black eyes and questionable poses come morning.

The next morning, Makoma took everyone but Chi-Eswa to find some wooden poles of the not-morning variety, leaving the mountain-maker to watch over their roasting Bambi. When they came back, however, they found all of their food gone and Chi-Eswa bound and gagged by what looked to be a giant grey hair.

Using his pinky to cut the rope, Makoma asked why Chi-Eswa decided to engage in kinky bondage games instead of his job and with who. Turns out that there is a giant named Chin-Debou Mau-Giri living in the river, who decided to dick over everyone who comes by with his giant moustache, which comes off as feverish mist over the river and tie up everyone that tries to cross the river so they drown. When they were gone, Chin-Debou decided to come up, and when told of how Makoma is trying to build a home, tie up Chi-Eswa with his nasty nose hair and steal their food.

Makoma was _pissed_ when he heard this. If this ass-clown kept doing that, he'd never be able to set his big balls down. For the next three days, Makoma left a different giant to watch over their food and wood as they scavenge, only to come back and find everything broken and/or stolen, with said giant gagged into different poses with more nasty nose hair.

Finally, on the fourth day, Makoma sent everyone else away to scavenge while he dealt with Chin-Debou. Sure enough, the river giant, a big green hobo covered in algae and mile-long nose-hairs, came up at noon and asked Makoma who exactly is stupid enough to try and live next to him. Makoma introduced himself and said no, he's not going to live next to Chin-man. Because he's gonna die for dicking him around.

Chin-man just laughs and tells Makoma to suck it up before fighting him.

Makoma kept trying to wack the river-douche, but he was so slimy with sea-weed and mucus that Nu'endo kept bouncing off. Fortunately he was too nimble to get caught by Chin-Debou's attempts to lasso him with nose hair.

Unfortunately, he eventually slipped and got strung up by a particularly crusty strand. Makoma struggled for a bit until he remembered, "Hey, I got the powers of my giants. One of them can breath fire!" So he breathed fire until he was free. Seeing how Chin-Debou was still too wet to smash Nu'endo against, Makoma grabbed his sack and threw it on the river-douche's head. He didn't have long to flail about blind until he got struck in the head.

Seeing as how Chin-Debou had finally died with his head split open, Makoma grabbed his sack, dubbed it Woronowu, and proceeded to party all night with his giant friends and feast on Bambi's extended family.

Then they built a house.


	5. Makoma's Big Balls: Finale

At the end of this tale, Makoma dreamed about all of his grandfathers coming back to lecture him. Among all of the ribbing over him not bagging a hot chick and his poor choice of companions, one of his dead dads told him that despite his pride in Makoma's big balls, he has found somebody whose balls are even bigger. Sakatirina, a five-headed giant stronger than everyone else that Makoma had beaten the shit out of. If he wanted to prove that he has the biggest balls of all and inspire the future band of AC/DC to write a song about it, he has to fight and beat the giant down by himself.

When questioned about how he found this guy, Makoma's dad admitted that sincethey're all dead and male, everybody likes to haunt the earthly realm in order to ogle and ghost-fondle nubile young women to escape the ghostly sausage-fest, and found Saka's two wives one night.

At any rate, Makoma woke up and told his friends of his whacked out fever dream. When they recognized Saka's name, Makoma realized that it wasn't just a fever dream. He was actually visited by a horde of ancestors-turned-voyeurs. And that there was someone that could have even bigger balls than he.

And Makoma just couldn't leave that shit alone.

Unfortunately this bummed out all of the giants that Makoma conquered, because Makoma's actually a pretty cool guy to hang out with, and they can't come along to see him kick the biggest ass of all time. Seeing as how his buddies were all sad about this, he decided to leave them a good-bye present in the form of giving back all of the powers he took from them upon defeat. And left.

Nobody realized how Makoma just gave himself a giant handicap for the fight with the final boss on hard-mode.

Makoma, guided by the spirits of his dead dads, traveled along the most asinine, bass-ackwards route across the fucking Sahara desert to find a hut next to some large-ass mountains. There, he was greeted by twins that could give every other woman in the world brain aneurysms with envy. The two goddesses greeted Makoma and introduced themselves as Sakatirina's wives. When Makoma asked where Sakatirina was, they simply pointed at the mountains.

Turns out that the mountains, which reached up to the clouds, were legs.

Makoma's brain briefly shut down as he tried the figure out the logistics involved in Sakatirina making love to his wives.

Giving that up, Makoma charged toward Saka's feet and proceeded to pound on his feet. After a good few hours, a tired voice came from the clouds, asking about the scratching at its feet. Makoma answered by introducing himself as "He who is Greater!", but was promptly ignored. Pissed, Makoma gathered a whole bunch of dead wood, scattered it about the feet, and lit it on fire.

This served to piss off the five-headed giant, who demanded to know who the fuck is stupid enough to light his feet on fire.

Makoma responded this time by telling him of the message he received from his ancestors. This pleased Saka, since he was bored as all fuck due to no one having the balls to challenge him. Saka praised Makoma, and then grabbed him and dashed him into the ground.

This would have killed anyone else, but Makoma did not die. For he suddenly grew to be a giant in his own right, reaching up to Saka's forest of a chest, and proceeded to wrassle. And this wasn't the wimpy WWE-style of wrestling. This was balls-to-the-wall, eye-gouging Greek Pankration levels of wrestling. Occasionally they would break apart to either bash eachother with hammers or throw mountains, but they could not best one another in this duel to find out who has the biggest pair of balls in Africa.

It took two whole days of non-stop wrassling for them to finally fall unconscious in a draw. When they woke up, they found Mulimo, the Great Spirit of Africa, who told that because of their duel, the combined mass of their balls grew to the point where they were threatening to crash the goddamned sun into the earth. Since that would wreck everybody's shit, the gods of the Earth agreed to spirit the two away into space so that they could turn into stars and not bring fiery death upon the world.

And so Makoma and Sakatirina ascended to the heavens and became galaxies.

* * *

Moral of the story: If your balls are big enough, you to can become a galaxy.


End file.
